March was legit MADNESS.
When I started this blog I made a point to say this would become a space for my ramblings, rants, and everything in between and you know what? I haven't rambled, ranted, or had the in between come forth in a LONG.ASS.TIME.
That's what this post is about.
I don't feel in the mood to edit videos, make a video, or do anything but just write and vent and get where my head is out into this space I so love.
March was madness with zero of it being basketball related.
I have been working on a huge project for "Happily Jaylen" since Valentine's Day. In all my spare time I have been learning a new editing system for these videos (this takes a shitload of time), I unexpectedly had to make a whole new website when I learned my previous space didn't allow me to do what I need to do with these videos (could have punched a wall realizing this), and I have had some MAJOR things happen over the course of the month on every single free day I had to get these videos done. I have felt very. very. tested recently. Oliver's passing was the true breaking point to round off this frustrating, challenging, overwhelming month and sitting here writing this I am lost in my head.
I have been editing myself too much recently. I've been watching what I say, type, capture, do with that creeping tiny voice in my head concerned with what someone, others, might say, think, or believe about me with whatever I want to share. Like I'm being someone I'm not or at least someone they think I'm not. It's like my throat is closed off and this person inside me is trying to wiggle out and say, "FUCK IT THIS IS ME! TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT! I'M TRYING TO LOVE MYSELF, YOU SHOULD TRY IT TOO!"
When I attended the Create & Cultivate conference they all kept saying, "Just be yourself and you'll do great!" "Stay true to your voice and you can't go wrong!" "Be vulnerable and people will gravitate towards you!"
But what if you don't know who you are? Or what your voice really is? Or if being vulnerable will backfire? Why do we feel fear, anxiety, or guilt when thinking about a person we want to be but aren't fully living as?
Scrolling through my posts recently they all seem to have a theme or event or reason behind them which, in reality, is what they were telling us to do at the C&C event... however... I'm bored with that right now. I want to talk about my day or month with no motive behind it and just let it all hang out and give you a sense of who I really am. My high school blog was strictly that and while it was childish at times and I shared way too much of my life; I didn't care.
And lately, I have been caring. And that's making me feel.... not myself.
Why do we feel shame or embarrassment or inadequate to BE who we are and say what we think, feel, love, hate? Look, if you're reading this and you're like, "Oh God, this girl, she needs to get a grip and just live her life not worrying about this stuff, I can do it and it's not that big of a deal..." ok great, thank you, this isn't for you. But if you read this and start nodding your head or asking yourself the same thing or feel emotional or a pit in your stomach that you can relate: this is for you. I'm tired of thinking about the 'other' person who can't relate and wants me to get over it or only post happy, calculated posts or live a way they view as acceptable, comfortable, or "right" to them.
I miss how raw blogs used to be.
When you're vulnerable to a bunch of strangers (or no one if no one reads this) you start to uncover that hidden "you" that's trying to come out. When you are NOT vulnerable, that hidden "you" sits deep in your throat confused, sad, alone, therefore making you feel those emotions internally. Not only is your physical body important to take care of but the internal one dictates a hell of a lot more than a 6 pack or nice hamstrings.
The internal, your voice/feelings/thoughts/chakras/energy fields, will suffer tremendously if not properly cared for.
Loving yourself will fix this. That is way easier said than done and clearly, it's what I'm working on right now.
I'm bringing back some rawness to Happily Jaylen, along with calculated and beautiful posts.
This feels scary to me and vulnerable and exciting and freeing all at once. But that is "my voice". It's sharing posts like this one where it's just thoughts, questions, self exploration, and a dash of razzmatazz.
No more thinking about others opinions before mine anymore.
No more caring if you don't relate to me.
No more focusing on the negative of who I am, what I say, or what I do.
No more of that for you either.
In true high school blog fashion, I'm going to leave you with a song I've been listening to constantly. If you've been feeling as I have, Ellie Goulding might give you some confidence and courage to just fucking live your life in YOUR own way on YOUR terms in a LOVING, GRACIOUS manner.
Have a great day boo boo's <3